01VIPERGTS/ACR
Full Access Member
I know you’re busy running the universe and all, but you’ve probably noticed that we’re in quite a mess down here.
I’m wondering if you’ve given any thought to sending Jesus back to give us a refresher course on his teachings (which, for all intents and purposes, have been distorted in ways even you wouldn’t believe possible).
If you are thinking in that direction, especially if you’re toying with the idea of Jesus locating somewhere in the US (being as we seem to be the biggest screw-ups on the planet), I thought I’d give you a few helpful suggestions.
Don’t send Jesus back as a politician. Once he starts campaigning on things like social safety-nets for the poor, or using diplomacy instead of waging war, he will be Swiftboated out of the running. Yeah, you know and I know that he is without fault. But that won’t matter; they’ll just make stuff up and swear on Your name that it’s the truth.
Don’t send Jesus back as a homeless man. His chances of survival will be pretty much zero. If you’re thinking that any good Christian would help him out, you’re sadly mistaken. A lot of the people who call themselves Christians nowadays will just kick him to the curb, and tell him to get off his lazy butt and get a job.
Don’t send Jesus back in anything less than perfect health. If he gets sick and needs medical treatment, he won’t get it – unless he comes back with unlimited financial resources. Besides, he’s probably going to have to work three jobs to support himself, so good health is kind of a must.
Don’t send Jesus back as a preacher. I know, I know, it would be the obvious choice. But his sermons (doing unto others, caring for the poor, etc.) just don’t have the listening audience they used to back in the day. Unless he sets up a mega-church and preaches about accumulating power and wealth, voting Republican, and looking the other way when it comes to torture, he’s just not going anywhere with that gig.
Don’t send Jesus back looking like he used to (i.e. ix-nay on the robes and long hair). If people even suspect he’s a liberal hippie – or worse yet, that he might be gay – he’s not going to get a very warm welcome, if you catch my drift.
I’d also tone down the dark skin, the ethnic look, and the name, Jesus – all of which spell foreigner not to be trusted in a lot of places down here.
Don’t send Jesus to the White House in hopes of giving anyone there a good talking to. Look, I know Jesus can be as charming and persuasive as the next guy, but He’s the last person on earth this administration wants to hear from. Trust me on that one.
If Jesus plans on doing any miracle-working, he’s going to have to come up with some new ones. Feeding the multitude with loaves and fishes? Not unless you want to chance a really sick crowd. The fish is full of mercury, and the loaves are likely to be on a recall list.
Water into wine? Okay, but use bottled water. Yeah, we’ve got a pretty sick environment here – but the bottom-line profits of the corporate polluters have never been healthier.
The ability to walk on water, however, is a must if Jesus plans to do any traveling. Once his subversive ideas about peace and understanding start getting around, he’ll be on the no-fly list faster than you can say “Love Thy Neighborâ€.
Just one last word to the All-Wise, if I may? If Jesus wants to keep his presence on the down-low for a while, tell him he can hang with the Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson followers. Believe me, there isn’t even a remote chance that anyone will recognize him.
Hope I’ve been of some help here. And hey, as always, thanks for listening
I’m wondering if you’ve given any thought to sending Jesus back to give us a refresher course on his teachings (which, for all intents and purposes, have been distorted in ways even you wouldn’t believe possible).
If you are thinking in that direction, especially if you’re toying with the idea of Jesus locating somewhere in the US (being as we seem to be the biggest screw-ups on the planet), I thought I’d give you a few helpful suggestions.
Don’t send Jesus back as a politician. Once he starts campaigning on things like social safety-nets for the poor, or using diplomacy instead of waging war, he will be Swiftboated out of the running. Yeah, you know and I know that he is without fault. But that won’t matter; they’ll just make stuff up and swear on Your name that it’s the truth.
Don’t send Jesus back as a homeless man. His chances of survival will be pretty much zero. If you’re thinking that any good Christian would help him out, you’re sadly mistaken. A lot of the people who call themselves Christians nowadays will just kick him to the curb, and tell him to get off his lazy butt and get a job.
Don’t send Jesus back in anything less than perfect health. If he gets sick and needs medical treatment, he won’t get it – unless he comes back with unlimited financial resources. Besides, he’s probably going to have to work three jobs to support himself, so good health is kind of a must.
Don’t send Jesus back as a preacher. I know, I know, it would be the obvious choice. But his sermons (doing unto others, caring for the poor, etc.) just don’t have the listening audience they used to back in the day. Unless he sets up a mega-church and preaches about accumulating power and wealth, voting Republican, and looking the other way when it comes to torture, he’s just not going anywhere with that gig.
Don’t send Jesus back looking like he used to (i.e. ix-nay on the robes and long hair). If people even suspect he’s a liberal hippie – or worse yet, that he might be gay – he’s not going to get a very warm welcome, if you catch my drift.
I’d also tone down the dark skin, the ethnic look, and the name, Jesus – all of which spell foreigner not to be trusted in a lot of places down here.
Don’t send Jesus to the White House in hopes of giving anyone there a good talking to. Look, I know Jesus can be as charming and persuasive as the next guy, but He’s the last person on earth this administration wants to hear from. Trust me on that one.
If Jesus plans on doing any miracle-working, he’s going to have to come up with some new ones. Feeding the multitude with loaves and fishes? Not unless you want to chance a really sick crowd. The fish is full of mercury, and the loaves are likely to be on a recall list.
Water into wine? Okay, but use bottled water. Yeah, we’ve got a pretty sick environment here – but the bottom-line profits of the corporate polluters have never been healthier.
The ability to walk on water, however, is a must if Jesus plans to do any traveling. Once his subversive ideas about peace and understanding start getting around, he’ll be on the no-fly list faster than you can say “Love Thy Neighborâ€.
Just one last word to the All-Wise, if I may? If Jesus wants to keep his presence on the down-low for a while, tell him he can hang with the Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson followers. Believe me, there isn’t even a remote chance that anyone will recognize him.
Hope I’ve been of some help here. And hey, as always, thanks for listening
