Scrambler1
Full Access Member
• Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that. Thanks.
• Spacebar placement means everything. Case in point: Accidentally replying to an email request from my boss with, "Sure, you go tit!"
• I met a women at a business meeting for the first time today. I stepped out of the room for, maximum, 3 minutes. When I came back the woman asked me if I had lightened my hair, because she said it looked darker before. She was, more amazingly, not joking. Umm, in the 5 minutes since we just met? Do people often step out of meetings to dye their hair? No lady, but thanks for flying your crazy flag right where I can see it.
• Feet, if you are going to be freezing, then Armpits, you cannot be sweating. You may choose one or the other, but not both. You have 5 minutes to decide.
• Hey eyelid twitch - thanks for fulfilling my life long dream of looking like a serial killer about to go on a rampage.
• Being able to track your package online is simultaneously great and awful. Sweet, my package shipped! ...2 hours of constant checking later... Get the fuck out of Grove City, Ohio!
• Hey Brain, how's it going? You doin' ok? You sure? You want a soda? No, you don't want a soda? Good, great, because if we ever spend 2 hours memorizing 25 different bacteria and their 6 important features, only to come back from lunch not remembering a single goddamn one, I will stab you with a fucking Q-tip. I'm not kidding, I will mess you up, you son of a bitch.
• Why is it so embarrassing to admit that you were sleeping when someone calls and asks if they woke you up? "Noo no I was just resting." You're not fooling anyone. You sound like you just smoked a pack of cigarettes and haven't had a sip of water since 2004.
• I didn't forget to attach the assignment in the email professor, I just wanted to make the deadline and have more time to work on it.
• I'm 25. I've probably been using the phone since I was 3 years old. So why is it when I go to leave someone a Voicemail, I turn into a stuttering head trauma victim who can't string a sensible sentence together?
• If sticking the end of the Q-Tip into my ear canal is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
• You know you have a bad commercial when yours is the one that reminds me I can fast forward.
• Why are there never fat people in fast food commercials, despite the fact that they're practically furniture in those places? Seems a little obesist to me...
• Remember that Geico commericial for the fake show, "Tiny House"? I really really wish that was a show.
• I have a hard time understanding commercials for TVs that try to show how vivid the picture is on their brand of TVs. I'm still watching your commercial on my shitty one.
• Verizon bought Alltel. So Chad, you lose.
• Whenever I eat a piece of fruit I always set it on its skin so the part I already bit won't touch anything... But I'm going to bite into the skin anyway.
• I find it amazing that Omar Epps is able to star on House and coach the Pittsburgh Steelers simultaneously.
• Lesbians who are attracted to girls who look like guys confuse me.
• You know you immediately check your speedometer when someone flies by you on the freeway with the hopes of mathematically estimating how fast they're going based on your own speed.
• I used to think that LOL meant "lots of love". My parents should never have let me sign that condolence card. No wonder my uncle thinks I am insensitive. "I'm sorry for your loss...LOL".
• As much as I hate commercials...I'm obsessed with the E trade baby. Between "underestimating the creepiness of clowns," to "hey girl let me hit you back," he cracks me up every time.
• I am anxiously awaiting the conversion to digital TV on February 17th, if only to see the local news coverage of the idiots that are pissed because they "weren't told about it."
• Nothing throws you into a state of panic like getting a phantom vibrate from an empty pocket.
• Won't the ShamWOW just soak up all the water when you throw it in the washing machine?
• Isn't a snuggie just a bathrobe worn backwards?
• I love the anticipation of waiting for the voicemail alert after declining a call from a number I didn't recognize.
• The definition of wishful thinking: bringing my running shoes home from college over the holidays.
• My favorite part of the day is elastic waist pants time.
• I have the deepest desire for my turn signal to be perfectly in sync with the person in front of me.
• No matter how old I get sliding across the kitchen floor with my socks on never stops being fun.
• Spacebar placement means everything. Case in point: Accidentally replying to an email request from my boss with, "Sure, you go tit!"
• I met a women at a business meeting for the first time today. I stepped out of the room for, maximum, 3 minutes. When I came back the woman asked me if I had lightened my hair, because she said it looked darker before. She was, more amazingly, not joking. Umm, in the 5 minutes since we just met? Do people often step out of meetings to dye their hair? No lady, but thanks for flying your crazy flag right where I can see it.
• Feet, if you are going to be freezing, then Armpits, you cannot be sweating. You may choose one or the other, but not both. You have 5 minutes to decide.
• Hey eyelid twitch - thanks for fulfilling my life long dream of looking like a serial killer about to go on a rampage.
• Being able to track your package online is simultaneously great and awful. Sweet, my package shipped! ...2 hours of constant checking later... Get the fuck out of Grove City, Ohio!
• Hey Brain, how's it going? You doin' ok? You sure? You want a soda? No, you don't want a soda? Good, great, because if we ever spend 2 hours memorizing 25 different bacteria and their 6 important features, only to come back from lunch not remembering a single goddamn one, I will stab you with a fucking Q-tip. I'm not kidding, I will mess you up, you son of a bitch.
• Why is it so embarrassing to admit that you were sleeping when someone calls and asks if they woke you up? "Noo no I was just resting." You're not fooling anyone. You sound like you just smoked a pack of cigarettes and haven't had a sip of water since 2004.
• I didn't forget to attach the assignment in the email professor, I just wanted to make the deadline and have more time to work on it.
• I'm 25. I've probably been using the phone since I was 3 years old. So why is it when I go to leave someone a Voicemail, I turn into a stuttering head trauma victim who can't string a sensible sentence together?
• If sticking the end of the Q-Tip into my ear canal is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
• You know you have a bad commercial when yours is the one that reminds me I can fast forward.
• Why are there never fat people in fast food commercials, despite the fact that they're practically furniture in those places? Seems a little obesist to me...
• Remember that Geico commericial for the fake show, "Tiny House"? I really really wish that was a show.
• I have a hard time understanding commercials for TVs that try to show how vivid the picture is on their brand of TVs. I'm still watching your commercial on my shitty one.
• Verizon bought Alltel. So Chad, you lose.
• Whenever I eat a piece of fruit I always set it on its skin so the part I already bit won't touch anything... But I'm going to bite into the skin anyway.
• I find it amazing that Omar Epps is able to star on House and coach the Pittsburgh Steelers simultaneously.
• Lesbians who are attracted to girls who look like guys confuse me.
• You know you immediately check your speedometer when someone flies by you on the freeway with the hopes of mathematically estimating how fast they're going based on your own speed.
• I used to think that LOL meant "lots of love". My parents should never have let me sign that condolence card. No wonder my uncle thinks I am insensitive. "I'm sorry for your loss...LOL".
• As much as I hate commercials...I'm obsessed with the E trade baby. Between "underestimating the creepiness of clowns," to "hey girl let me hit you back," he cracks me up every time.
• I am anxiously awaiting the conversion to digital TV on February 17th, if only to see the local news coverage of the idiots that are pissed because they "weren't told about it."
• Nothing throws you into a state of panic like getting a phantom vibrate from an empty pocket.
• Won't the ShamWOW just soak up all the water when you throw it in the washing machine?
• Isn't a snuggie just a bathrobe worn backwards?
• I love the anticipation of waiting for the voicemail alert after declining a call from a number I didn't recognize.
• The definition of wishful thinking: bringing my running shoes home from college over the holidays.
• My favorite part of the day is elastic waist pants time.
• I have the deepest desire for my turn signal to be perfectly in sync with the person in front of me.
• No matter how old I get sliding across the kitchen floor with my socks on never stops being fun.
![IMG 1736[1]](/data/xfmg/thumbnail/2/2693-b9180c2bcb58a2305d673c3e3eb15da8.jpg?1712488364)