A serious question for parents

At age 14 he has no choice in the matter. He will be sorry when he gets older if he doesn't go. Right now he's going to try and pull that "I'm old enough" card because it seems like a way out of something he doesn't feel like doing. I tried that a number of times during my youth. If my mother had listened to me when I was 13 (when I thought I was old enough) we would have been stuck in a New York ghetto instead of a ghetto in Houston. If my mother listened to me when I was 16 we would have been stuck in an apartment in a ghetto in Houston and not have our own house in the quiet suburbs. Now that I'm matured (well I'm still not matured at 36) I feel like her decisions to force me was the best choice and I am glad she did it. I have no regrets. Get what I'm saying here? One day he will be older and will think to himself that he wished he had the opportunity to meet up with more relatives. His great grandmother will be 90? I never met my great grandmothers. One of them lived to be 98 and never used glasses.... Nope she drank straight out the bottle *bap-boop-pshhhhh*
 
lets put it this way. when something happens to one of my family elders no matter what it is, we all do the huddle. someone misses?? they get a foot in the ass....

me at 14 years old saying no?? i would have had several feet up my ass :dontknow:
 
I think I was 15, living in FL with my mom. My dad lived in NC. I was all f**ked up on everything you can think of, but thats a different. My old man set up a family reunion in Michagan.. extended family on his side including 2 half brothers and a half sister that I never get to see. I had the option to go or not, and I chose to go to a party in FL instead. I was young, stupid, and far from sober. I regret it now man.
 
Damn, I just looked at that again... not trying to say your kids on dope or anything. Just sharing a personal experience
 
flchub said:
Your son is testing you ,with the help of his mother and her immediate family of course.

We can all talk about respecting our parents but there comes a time when the parent needs to take a step back and try and look through the eyes of their child.

How you decide to handle this will ultimately affect the relationship good or bad with your son.

In his eyes he feels like your new family is more important than he is,if he only gets to see u for a short time he will want to have alone time with you.

Its not really to say he doesnt want to meet these other relatives eventually.


HOW DO I KNOW THIS?

I'm the parent who has custody of his daughter,for the last 4 yrs my daughter would have the summers to spend with her mom and her new husband along with her new sister,she would always come home early due to a big fight with her mom and step dad.

The fights always involve lack of time spent alone with her mom,she has spent the last few years in conseling with her mother to vent her issues.

Maybe there is an agreement you and your son can come to concerning this maybe not,doesnt hurt to try at this point
Click to expand...

Probably the best post I have read all day. I couldnt have even come close to saying it better than this. Clint's post is probably exactly the response you were looking for Scott...

A Fathers love for his son is enduring, stern, hard and forever. A Son's love for his father is intermittent, weak, yearning, and forever. The one common denominator....it's forever.;) No matter what, Scott. You know that.
 
One more opinion.

Scott, this in my opinion is not an issue with your son. It is an issue between you and your ex. She says he can decide, you say he can't.

We all know who will win with the situation as you have stated it.

While this may be a minority opinion, the birthday party is not the crucible issue. Finding a way that you and your ex can provide a supportive, but authoritative united view is the larger issue.

If there is some way that you and your ex can come to agreement on how to discuss these kind of questions before one parent or the other provides a decision to your children, you would have a better foundation for success and less frustration. The difference of opinion of the parents should not put the child in conflict. This type of arrangement needs considerable cooperation between the parents. It will require some give and take. But the benefit will be that the child will not see the conflict between his parents over minor issues.

If he were in your custody you would have the final say. He is not. Maybe it would be better to pick your battles carefully. There are huge issues to come. If you have forged a relationship with your ex that allows for negotiation and compromise on the front end of issues...that will be much better for all involved. Relenting on the smaller issues may win her confidence and lay the ground work for compromise on much larger issues in the future.

I think this problem has the possibility of becoming a big argument about power and you will lose because of the logistics and distance. Try to not make these things win/lose situations. Example: Maybe you can side with your ex in allowing your son to make this decision as long as he understands that there are some gatherings that he may be required to go to in the future. In that way you have sent a strong positive message, that supports your philosophy and at the same time provided support for your ex's position and made it possible to lay down the law in the future if both of you agree that his decision in another issue is not a good one.

Make any sense? Decide on the front end what your chances of success are, then make lemonade from the lemons...life is about finding ways to get to "yes"...concession should never be required of either side, consensus is the goal. Consensus says that each side has given a little and can live with the decision.

I may be the minority opinion here, but this won't be the first time...
 
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Prof said:
One more opinion.

Scott, this in my opinion is not an issue with your son. It is an issue between you and your ex. She says he can decide, you say he can't.

We all know who will win with the situation as you have stated it.

While this may be a minority opinion, the birthday party is not the crucible issue. Finding a way that you and your ex can provide a supportive, but authoritative united view is the larger issue.

If there is some way that you and your ex can come to agreement on how to discuss these kind of questions before one parent or the other provides a decision to your children, you would have a better foundation for success and less frustration. The difference of opinion of the parents should not put the child in conflict. This type of arrangement needs considerable cooperation between the parents. It will require some give and take. But the benefit will be that the child will not see the conflict between his parents over minor issues.

If he were in your custody you would have the final say. He is not. Maybe it would be better to pick your battles carefully. There are huge issues to come. If you have forged a relationship with your ex that allows for negotiation and compromise on the front end of issues...that will be much better for all involved. Relenting on the smaller issues may win her confidence and lay the ground work for compromise on much larger issues in the future.

I think this problem has the possibility of becoming a big argument about power and you will lose because of the logistics and distance. Try to not make these things win/lose situations. Example: Maybe you can side with your ex in allowing your son to make this decision as long as he understands that there are some gatherings that he may be required to go to in the future. In that way you have sent a strong positive message, that supports your philosophy and at the same time provided support for your ex's position and made it possible to lay down the law in the future if both of you agree that his decision in another issue is not a good one.

Make any sense? Decide on the front end what your chances of success are, then make lemonade from the lemons...

I may be the minority opinion here, but this won't be the first time...
Click to expand...


DAMN! Old Dudes are always smart!:D Good One Roy! Good One!:rock:
 
I lost so many battles with my ex...that I had to develop some kind of strategy to get my psyche back to a respectable level.

Now we vacation together with all of the kids and grandkids...hugging my ex, and her husband has been one of the real rewards in life...walking down the isle when my daughter got married...me and my ex together, and her husband and my wife as a couple...

It can work out! Ego has to be set aside, for the good of all concerned.
 
i would really love for you to talk to my ex for about an hour and tell me what you think Roy, seriously...lol i decided last night since this thread got me to thinkin and i couldnt sleep that i m gonna go pick him up one day next week and talk to him. maybe we can get some things straight, if not at least he will know im trying to be in his life. he is a strange bird. genious level smart and as hardheaded as his dad. sad part is, he is failing in school. blows my mind. he lived with me for a few months last year while his mother (got back on her feet) for about the 6th time since we divorced. my pops even paid her rent for a year(without my knowledge at the time) to try to help her out. she work a total of two weeks at a grocery store and got fired. and now she expects this kid to work. she's never taught him responsibility and given him a work ethic. now he's bucking her cause he's lazy. she want me to step in, i told her id been trying for 17 years and she made him the way he was, why should i be the asshole again, ive done it so many times in the past and she ends up making everything my fault in his eyes. anyway we will see how it goes. good advice Professor in a perfect world.
 
Clint: Thanks for the insight, it was very helpful to hear that from an outsider. My ex has told me before that most of the time all he wants is alone time with me. What he doesn't realize (remember) is that I always try to provide that, but I also have three kids, and a short amount of time when I do get to see them.

Roy: I can't say that I disagree with you. When we were going through the divorce, we said that we would always discuss and come to an agreement on things that had to do with the children. So far, it seems to be pretty one-sided.
The only problem I have with what you said is that (like Wifey said) this may be the last time he gets a chance to meet his great grandmother. (although she is in great shape, and still a fiesty as they come) I don't want to let him have his way with this one, and regret it later. I would rather lose on another front.

On a positive note, after a harsh conversation last night, her finishing by telling me to contact her lawyer, she has contacted me this morning and said that she doesn't want to argue with me. So I am going to be calling her soon to discuss this further and hopefully reach an agreement.

Thanks everybody for your input in this. You all rock!:rock::rock:
 
Wifey said:
If your son was taught respect by his mother, he would know he should go and visit his grandma and suck it up for the short time involved. He has the rest of his life to be selfish. Young people these days usually only think about themselves. His mother should be ashamed of herself :(

Hopefully he will do the right thing and go see his old gramma before she dies, I know I spent tons of time with both of mine while they were here I and will never regret one minute of it :D :rock:
Click to expand...

You know Denise, you are right! This is one of the things that I said to her last night, he doesn't respect me as his father because she doesn't enforce it!

She has much to be ashamed of! :toilet:
 
ntw0rk said:
Clint: Thanks for the insight, it was very helpful to hear that from an outsider. My ex has told me before that most of the time all he wants is alone time with me. What he doesn't realize (remember) is that I always try to provide that, but I also have three kids, and a short amount of time when I do get to see them.

Roy: I can't say that I disagree with you. When we were going through the divorce, we said that we would always discuss and come to an agreement on things that had to do with the children. So far, it seems to be pretty one-sided.
The only problem I have with what you said is that (like Wifey said) this may be the last time he gets a chance to meet his great grandmother. (although she is in great shape, and still a fiesty as they come) I don't want to let him have his way with this one, and regret it later. I would rather lose on another front.

On a positive note, after a harsh conversation last night, her finishing by telling me to contact her lawyer, she has contacted me this morning and said that she doesn't want to argue with me. So I am going to be calling her soon to discuss this further and hopefully reach an agreement.

Thanks everybody for your input in this. You all rock!:rock::rock:
Click to expand...
sounds like she may have some sense. your in a lot better shape than i am. hopefully it will all get worked out. certainly she could see your point on this, it not like your asking him to dive off a cliff.
 
eddie102870 said:
sounds like she may have some sense. your in a lot better shape than i am. hopefully it will all get worked out. certainly she could see your point on this, it not like your asking him to dive off a cliff.
Click to expand...

Exactly!

I think you are doing the right thing too. Trying to make contact with him and spend some time with your son alone can only help. The effect might not be immediate, but it will be felt. I would try to do this as often as you are able.

My oldest son and I had a strained relationship (Worse that it is now) for a long time, partly because I was gone so much while I was in the Navy, partly because his mother didn't help foster our relationship while I was home.
I have had to take a lot of extra time, and attention with him to get us where we are. It's still not where I want it to be, because he won't open up to me, and only calls when he needs something. But I will keep working at it, because I know that in time, it will pay off.

Keep at it Eddie, he will come around!
 
Prof said:
I lost so many battles with my ex...that I had to develop some kind of strategy to get my psyche back to a respectable level.

Now we vacation together with all of the kids and grandkids...hugging my ex, and her husband has been one of the real rewards in life...walking down the isle when my daughter got married...me and my ex together, and her husband and my wife as a couple...

It can work out! Ego has to be set aside, for the good of all concerned.
Click to expand...

:eek:This is exactly why with whatever Roy has to say I steadfastly take heed.
 
Well Anthony, you are a majority of one!

Most others just say there is Prof lecturing again...and they are correct lots of times.

I have made so many mistakes in my life that the scars are on top of other scars.

But thanks...my relationship with my "Ex" is one of the most successful things in my life...to say nothing of how I feel about her husband who sacrificed much to help raise my children. He is the salt of the earth and ended up being a much better match for my Ex than I ever would have been.
 
i want all of you to think back to when you were a kid .

We all had fights with our parents,we didnt agree with almost everything they told us todo.

We all made promises to ourselves that we would never treat our own kids the sameway,yet as history shows we almost always end up doing to our kids what our parents did to us,whether good or bad we lead by example.

If you didnt like it then why would your child like it now?.

I went 8 years without talking to my father because i felt he was a horrible dad. the only reason i spoke with him was that i had put myself in a situation that only my dads money could get me out of.

What my dad had been trying to teach me i now see,the only problem was my dad was horrible at getting his point across.

So as parents we have a choice,take the same route as our parents before us or use a new route in hopes of connecting with our child at a younger age.
 
flchub said:
i want all of you to think back to when you were a kid .

We all had fights with our parents,we didnt agree with almost everything they told us todo.

We all made promises to ourselves that we would never treat our own kids the sameway,yet as history shows we almost always end up doing to our kids what our parents did to us,whether good or bad we lead by example.

If you didnt like it then why would your child like it now?.

I went 8 years without talking to my father because i felt he was a horrible dad. the only reason i spoke with him was that i had put myself in a situation that only my dads money could get me out of.

What my dad had been trying to teach me i now see,the only problem was my dad was horrible at getting his point across.

So as parents we have a choice,take the same route as our parents before us or use a new route in hopes of connecting with our child at a younger age.
Click to expand...
damn bro i got new respect for you. im trying to picture you saying this holding that measuring cup full of rum...lol j/k bro great post:rock:
 
flchub said:
i want all of you to think back to when you were a kid .

We all had fights with our parents,we didnt agree with almost everything they told us todo.

We all made promises to ourselves that we would never treat our own kids the sameway,yet as history shows we almost always end up doing to our kids what our parents did to us,whether good or bad we lead by example.

If you didnt like it then why would your child like it now?.

I went 8 years without talking to my father because i felt he was a horrible dad. the only reason i spoke with him was that i had put myself in a situation that only my dads money could get me out of.

What my dad had been trying to teach me i now see,the only problem was my dad was horrible at getting his point across.

So as parents we have a choice,take the same route as our parents before us or use a new route in hopes of connecting with our child at a younger age.
Click to expand...


WHO ARE YOU????

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH FLCHUB?
 
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