A serious question for parents

ntw0rk said:
At what age do you think your child should be able to decide whether or not they do things with the family?

It's a LOT deeper than that, so let me explain my particular dilemna.

My son has just informed me that he isn't going to his Great-Grandmother's 90th birthday/Family Reunion this summer.

I asked why. He said because he doesn't feel like it, he doesn't want to. I asked why not. He said because he doesn't know anybody there. And he really doesn't know them, which to ME is all the more reason for him to go. He should meet his cousins aunts and uncles from my father's side of the family.

And apparently, his mother says it's ok, that if he doesn't want to go then he doesn't have to. But, last winter he went to Canada to meet his step-father's family (notice I said MEET?) and that was ok.

Well, I asserted that I didn't think that he should have a real choice in the matter, and he says he's old enough to make his own decisions.

Ready for this?


He's 14, he'll be 15 in August.

Is he old enough, or should he be made to go?
(We also have a trip to Cedar Point in Sandusky thrown in for fun!)
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Its your decision, of course. This is my experience in dealing with teenagers from all backgrounds. This is the age, or even younger, they start their independence. All of us have to do things we really dont want to do throughout our life. Whether its work, family or spousal duties. This is something that parents need to teach their children. We as parents must allow their teenagers some independence but not to the point of telling authority figures what they are going to do, espeacially because they dont feel like it.

Its a delicate situation but, for what its worth, he needs to go to see his 90 year grandmother. she want be around for ever. Later in life he will appreciate it. Teenagers dont understand that at their age.

Good Luck Scott

You will need it :D
 
There also could be more to this than meets the eye. How much influence does the stepfather have? I know I had to fight that battle. Actually had the guy tell me one time that my kid couldn't come spend the weekend because he still had chores to take care of. I simply told him I was on my way down there and either my kid or him better be outside. Surprise, surprise, when I got there my boy was outside waiting on me.

Wasn't the only time I had problems with him. The ex let him make all the decisions about the kid, and would back him 100%, no matter if he was right or wrong. We eventually reached an accord, hehe. But I almost went to jail over that too. If I had, no big deal, it was worth it. My son saw me fighting for him, and that I wanted him to be part of my life. Made all the difference in the world in our relationship.

Now to the specifics, he would be going to meet his Great-Grandmother. No ifs, ands, or buts. It's too damn important. Maybe, just maybe, by going he will find that deep down he has respect for you and your new family, and that it is mutual. Best of luck, and if you need someone to have a "conference" with the ex just let me know heheh. (just kidding of course, I would never approve of violence)
 
The Stepfather doesn't get a say. Period! I have made that abundantly clear to her and him. And he has not even come close to the line, as far as I know.

It just pisses me off that she won't back me on this. She gives him WAY to much control for a 14 year old. I love my son, and I want him to be a strong person, but I think that this is way to much.

I (of course) agree, he needs to go and meet his family.
 
Just got off the phone with my son. He will not go, and his mother is still being a bitch and doesn't think she needs to back me up.
 
Sounds like he's gonna have a shitty attitude no matter what you do....

If you love the kid, then you'll have to make your decision based on one simple premise: What's the thing that, as a dad, you need to do to raise him right.

The only dilema you have is that (your doing) the right thing has consequences (in that he'll be pissed at you) but no good deed goes unpunished. Later in life, if he turns out to be a good guy and not a little punk bitch, he'll thank you for it.

Never abolish doing the right thing because of the consequences that may arise.... There's always a consequence in doing the right thing....

When he's old enough to vote in an election, he can make those decisions for himself. At 14 1/2 the only thing he's too old for is a bare-ass spanking in the middle of the street in the presence of a warmly applauding audience.

If you feed, clothe and house him..... make him go....

D
 
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I know just how ya feel, if you force him to go against his will YOUR THE ASSHOLE!! and if you let him stay at home YOU FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE, but all you really wanted was for him to show you some respect, I mean after all it is your grand-mother!!!!
man make him go he'll think you years down the road!!
he'll wish when he's 30 somthing that he got meet his great-grandmother
 
Django said:
Sounds like he's gonna have a shitty attitude no matter what you do....

If you love the kid, then you'll have to make your decision based on one simple premise: What's the thing that, as a dad, you need to do to raise him right.

The only dilema you have is that (your doing) the right thing has consequences (in that he'll be pissed at you) but no good deed goes unpunished. Later in life, if he turns out to be a good guy and not a little punk bitch, he'll thank you for it.

Never abolish doing the right thing because of the consequences that may arise.... There's always a consequence in doing the right thing....

When he's old enough to vote in an election, he can make those decisions for himself. At 14 1/2 the only thing he's too old for is a bare-ass spanking in the middle of the street in the presence of a warmly applauding audience.

If you feed, clothe and house him..... make him go....

D
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DAMN good advise right there....

Signed,
"Half-Kid, Half-Adult"
:rock: ;)
 
ntw0rk said:
Just got off the phone with my son. He will not go, and his mother is still being a bitch and doesn't think she needs to back me up.
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Scott -

Sorry to hear you're dealing with this. Been in your shoes before.

Don't backdown on this. Don't mean to be melodramatic, but this a tipping point. If you cave in on your insistence he attend and fulfill his family responsibilities it will open the spigot for future ducking out on visits with you. I've fought that battle in the past and once the precendent is set the flood gates are open.

The ex needs the tables turned and the question posed, if roles were reversed what would she expect and require of her son in a similar situation. And wouldn't she expect your support and backing. It's only good parenting and isn't that what it's about in the end.
 
Scott, if this was me, I would do anything possible to make him go. I realize that might not be possible, given the circumstances. But if he didn't (and I would make this abundantly clear to him right now) there would be fallout. He would pay a price, and a steep one at that. Now is a good time to start teaching him that everything in life comes at a cost. Good luck with the situation.

And as far as being a stepfather, it's the best job I've ever had in my life. I love my Son with all my heart, doesn't matter if he has any of my dna or not. And make no mistake, he is my son. All the other guy wants to do is see him a couple of times a year and try to buy his love. It works for a couple of days at best, he's only 7 but he already knows there is more to life than toys and amusement parks.
 
Yup...do what you think is the right thing for the long term...if that is saying that he is to go...listen to his response, and then be prepared to parrot the comment, the next time he requests something...like a car, or college funding...not that you would hold that over him...but that the long term lesson is that every decision can have long term consequences and he needs to be aware of that, and be prepared to be accountable for his decisions.

My daughter still remembers when I had her phone cut off because she forgot to pay me for her long distance charges...and my son still recalls when I had his Amex card picked up when he failed to pay me for his charges...

Make lemonade from the lemon, with a little bit of thinking and planning.

Roy
 
Great feedback and advice from everyone, I really appreciate it.

He told me on the phone last night that I cannot force him to go. I responded by saying that I wasn't trying to force him, I want him to want to go, even if it's only out of respect for me. Because I feel like a 14 yo should do what his parents say, no matter the living arrangements.

The tough part about all of this is that I live in Florida and the kids live with their mother and stepfather in Maine. She yelled at me a few weeks ago for saying that I thought she should make him go, she said I was trying to tell her how to run her houseshold. I told her that I was merely trying to express how I thought our children should be raised; to respect their parents. (If I have covered all of this already I apologize, but the whole story is all jumbled up in my head right now.)

So anyway, I get an email from her last night after my phone call with my son, and she asks what happened, said he didn't say much about the call. I told her a little about the conversation, and this is her response: (To show you the support that I get from her)

"I will talk to nik.....he does not want to go to Indiana...I don't know what else to say...he would like to see his dad and not all his dad's relatives.....he keeps on saying I have not seen my dad in over 1 year...I don't want to see the "relatives" I want to see my dad....I am not sure what else to say......

can you try and figure out a way to fly him to florida this summer???? take the twins to Indiana and then fly nik to florida later .....just a thought?? "

See how she tries to be all sweet, and ALWAYS makes herself look good. She doesn't want to back me up becasue that would put her in a bad light. But, if the shoe was on the other foot, and he didn't want to go somewhere with her, she would demand that he go.

I am really at a loss.

I have half a mind to keep his mutual fund as a result, and the reason will be the same one that he gave me for not going on this trip, because I didn't want to (give it to you). Truthfully, if it wasn't documented in the divorce papers, I probably would at least hold it over his head.

So, now I have to decide whether I go to Indiana, then to Ohio as planned, or do I buckle and go to Indiana and straight back to Maine to spend time with him. I love my son, and he really is a good kid. I don't want any of this to make it sound like he's a bad kid. I blame most of this on his mother, she's an evil back-stabbing bitch.
 
I found the answer! Now I just need the number to order some!!

obay_2.jpg

:D:D

P.S. Thanks for the talk Chub....
 
Scott, I don't think you can win this battle. At least not right now. There are a couple of scenarios and you sort of lose in either.

A. You force your son to come with you. Well, now you are a bossy dick. He doesn't get to see you and when he finally does, it's under your terms. You take him someplace that he doesn't want to go. He has to share his time with you with everybody else in the family.

But..... he gets to meet a matriarch of the family. He also might meet some other members of the family whom he forges relationships with (and no, I don't mean out back with his female cousin heheh). He finds out that you are spending your time with him, it just so happens that others are also sharing that time. Later on in life he thanks you for doing this and cherishes the memory.

B. You don't force him to go. He sees you as somewhat of a pushover, and knows that he can get his way, even if it isn't right. He loses some respect for you, even though he doesn't realize it. Later on in life he wishes he would have met this wonderful woman who led generations of her family.

But.... for the time being he is happy with you.


Of course this is just the way I see it. And I am looking in from the outside. I don't know your family and the interactions, each family is different that's for sure.

It just seems to me that in order to win the war, you are going to have to win this battle. It is a turning point. He might be pissed for a while, but he's a teenager, that's gonna happen anyway. Might as well make it over something worthwhile. I guess it's pretty obvious how I feel about this. Maybe that's because my Great-Grandmother was a wonderful person, who shared with me stories I still replay in my head. I thank God that I had the opportunity to get to know her, even if it was way too short of a time that we shared a place on this rock. Good luck.
 
Thanks Bob.

That's the same two scenarios I had played out in my head too, almost exactly.

Problem is, I really don't have any way to "force" him to go, because his mother thinks it's ok for him to make up his own mind....
 
Last resort is always court if the mother is consistently uncooperative. Can file a pro se petition to the court to enforce visitation. I never had to do that, but sometimes the talk of it can get people off their butts. The reality is if she won't respect you and the bonding time you need with your kids, maybe someone with some authority can explain it to her.
 
SRTINCT said:
Last resort is always court if the mother is consistently uncooperative. Can file a pro se petition to the court to enforce visitation. I never had to do that, but sometimes the talk of it can get people off their butts. The reality is if she won't respect you and the bonding time you need with your kids, maybe someone with some authority can explain it to her.
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I'm picking up what you're putting down, but she has never even made it difficult for me to see the kids. She has, in fact, offered to leave the house for the weekend and let me use her car, if I wanted to come and stay with them. I just don't see that as a comfortable situation.

She is talking to him, and trying to convince him that it's the right thing to do. I would rather he went willingly anyway, it would make for a much more pleasant trip.
 
i never had a choice in situations like that my pops would say your going and put a smile on your face. if we didnt a belt or the back of his hand would normally be shortcoming.....lol
 
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