Falcon
Full Access Member
Since it has been so dead around here (I think partially due to all the BS drama that has been going on) I figured I would share a few of my favorite one liners. Feel free to add your own and lets give everyone a good laugh this morning.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
When in doubt, mumble.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch. (my personal favorite)
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
When in doubt, mumble.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch. (my personal favorite)
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
